Yghanol y Gaeaf - Diolch yn fawr

This year has been quite an interesting holiday season, and yet so blessed. As previously posted, my mother in law was super helpful with helping us with Nos Calan Gaeaf (which in other pagan paths is known as Samhain), and as it is, Nos Calan Gaeaf is the new year in many pagan traditions.  People have become more tolerant and thoughtful and respectful. For me personally, people have begun accepting my gender identity more, which expands to my family in the sense that my kids aren't getting bombarded with pronoun mishaps.
Thanksgiving was rather interesting as we were expected to go up to my parents house, but it snowed to  the point it would have gone at least to my son's waist, and my daughter's shoulders. Plus we ended up getting a bit sick anyway. We had the makings of our own thanksgiving meal, for that 'just in case situation' but my mother-in-law said she'd bring a couple things to add to what we had. Oh no, she brought us a whole darn Thanksgiving meal. That was a surprise, and amazing, because the last thing Brent and I wanted to do that day was cook (even though most of it would have been easy to prepare. We had stuffed turkey rolls [vegan style] to just pop in the oven and everything else was easy to make boxed stuff. Except the mashed potatoes.) So long story short, even though we didn't have thanksgiving with our extended family this year, we were blessed with a beautiful thanksgiving dinner.
My mother-in-law watched the kids twice while we went out (one was simply to the dollar store to get holiday decorations. Though we did grab a bite to eat as well) within a couple weeks of each other, which was an amazing blessing because we don't get to go out much as a couple.  It was also a huge blessing because this time of year is always a bit of a dark season for my mental health. So it was a much needed blessing
A couple weeks ago, I fell (again) and did something to my knee, which it turns out may have torn a muscle in my upper calf or just behind the knee (no blood clot thankfully, which we were worried about since my right foot swelled up to about twice the size of my left, and I had developed serious pain and swelling in my calf.) The blessing through all this though, is my doctor FINALLY understood the scope of my inability to get around without hurting myself so now we have a plan of action going forth to try and get that under control. I don't have high hopes, but at least it is going somewhere.
But some of the biggest blessings was the turnaround in my own family. I hadn't spoken to my parents in MONTHS because of their insistence on how my identity isn't real, and that I was going down a bad path, among things related to my children. But just before Thanksgiving, I heard someone calling my name as I slept, it was not really part of the dream, so I did some soul searching, and with the help of my ancestral spirits and spirit animals, also called totem animals, I came to the realization it must have been my parents calling out to me. For the first time in years, I talked to my parents without hanging up the phone crying. I still had a lot of fear that this wasn't real, but then my parents came down to drop off holiday treats and presents last week. I decided that I needed to show them that I was a different person from them, believed differently from them, and am on a path of Paganism.
I had the music of Faun on, which is a group that sings in German, (My dad is German, and if you were to take a look at him, he has that stereotypical demeanor, but really he's one of the most hilarious and fun-loving people I know). My mom was insistent that it wasn't German music while Dad wore his, 'I know something you don't smile'. The thing is they use traditional "old world" instruments which produces a different sound than the German music my mom is used to, hence my dad's smirk. Finally I gave up, and said, 'Mom, its German Pagan music.' To which she replied, 'Oh that makes more sense.' (Not really, but shhh) My dad then started into the history of Christmas and how the word used for Christmas doesn't even have much of a connection to Christ, and really means holy night.  I think the moment my mom realized the music really was German was when Dad actually translated some of the song that was currently playing. She couldn't deny it after that, since Dad speaks German.
It was a short visit, but filled with merriment and acceptance, which still makes me cry.  Especially after the text I got from my mom as they returned home. Apparently Dad wanted that music because he loved it. That probably was one of the last things I expected. But it was great.
A couple days after most of my family celebrated Christmas, I got a lovely text from my brother, and it was amazing because while my family was telling everyone in the giant group text my mom sent out 'Merry Christmas', my brother sent me a private text wishing me 'Happy Holidays' with a sweet personalized message.
As for Yule/Winter solstice, I already wrote about Mother's Night, the night before the Solstice (which isn't something traditionally celebrated in Welsh Pagan tradition surprisingly, but I insisted on incorporating it into my Yule/Solstice celebrations because I actually hate Mother's day. But that's a story for another time.) Solstice was a cool celebration too, because like Mother's night, I had to piece together the ritual and whatnot myself. My favorite part was this that I wrote for the ritual.

Y Tri Mamau

Ancestral spirits, and others who have gone before

Y Anfeiliad and our spirits.

Guide us on this the shortest day and longest night of the year

That the next day we see will indeed start to lengthen,

That the sun and the oak may return to its reign,

May we see through the darkest hours,

Have the promise of light to come,

Mam Awyr, particularly as Sun and Moon are part of you

Guide them to work in harmony, and take their turns

Of ruling over the realms.

Mam Ddaear, guide the Holly King into submission

To the Oak King, that there may peace at Yuletide’s end.

Mam Dwr, even you have a part to play,

You are the ruler of change and fluidity.

Guide us all into acceptance and tranquility

When your waters are heavy, tormentous,

Guide us through, that we in the end may

Be the change the world needs.

As the moon sets, and a new dawn arises,

Let us be filled with hope and cherish

What we have accomplished with your aid.

As the moon sets, may we put away our selfish desires

As the Sun rises, may our hearts be full of charity

Cariad a Goleuni

Diolch a Hwyl

Since then we've been lighting a candle each night until the calendar new year, (Which in many pagan paths is how long Yule lasts, and some celebrating a 13th day on the 1st of the year with a start to the new calendar year with a ritual cleansing and cleaning etc) representing the lengthening of days, and the return of the Oak King, who reigns until the summer solstice when his brother the Holly King battles him for reign over the darkest part of the year, until Winter Solstice.

So back to the title of this post -- It means Midwinter-Thank you very much. For I feel it best represents the blessings recieved and given this holiday season.

Cariad y Goleuni

~Ren

Mother's Night

Last night was the first night of Yule. Having to put together my own path coming from the heart of Wales has proven difficult as there really isn't much to go on. So I had to combine the symbols I already knew, added some Germanic influence, (my adopted Dad is German, and I have German blood biologically, and my path is more about my heritage and being one with nature) and created a tradition of our own for Mother's Night.

I won't go into too much detail about our dinner celebration, but I did want to share the blessing I wrote for Mother's Night.  I've learned I do a lot of things differently from other pagans, while sharing some commonalities.  But that is where the magick lies. Having to basically recreate my own path, means recreating traditions and making my own magic. Also means I tend to be quite an Eclectic Pagan. So writing a blessing instead of using one prewritten creates it's own personal magick and personal communication.

On this first night of Yule, it is the night we celebrate Mothers.

Our Mother the Earth, our Mother Nature.

Mothers of Land, Sea, and Sky -- Y Tri Mamau.

The Elements Earth, Air, Fire, and Water bend to your will.

Each representing a direction to take, North, East, South, and West.

As you have blessed us, now we turn to bless you with our Gratitude.

You have given your children mothers to call their own.

Some are our mothers through blood

Some you have blessed us with, not through blood

But the bond is the same, for it is the heart that matters.

Generations of mothers have come before,

Generations of mothers will come after.

The most important gift we can give is life,

As you have done for us.

In turn, we use this power you’ve given us to bring life

Not just to human children, but all children of the Earth.

Our duty calls us to protect all we have been given,

We are too mothers, no matter our genders,

For it is given to us to care for all.

This is the blessing we give back to you.

A blessing now, we ask for all the mothers of the Earth this night,

Those who have gone on before, those who walk among us,

And those we will create one day.

May they walk upright, and fulfill their duties to Nature.

May they nurture all the children of Y Tri Mamau.

May the Elements and their corresponding directions and powers

Serve as a path to guide them in the way they must continue.

May those who have gone on before be blessed, 

May they find ways to guide us here on this realm,

May we be receptive to their help and love.

Mothers near and far, we greet you this beloved night.

We cherish you, honor you, and love you.

For the greatest gift you have given is life, and also love.

Y Tri Mamau, we make you this promise this night,

To love and care for each other, and treasure all

You have given us, blessed us with.

Cariad a Goleuni.

Diolch a Hwyl.

'Its been two years and I miss my home, but a fires burning in my soul'

If you don't recognize the title, it's from a song I'lve grown to love over the past few months, Rachel Platten's 'Fight song'. I'd post a link but I am tired and miffed.

Mostly here to post this in the hopes that people who need to see it will. Not that I don't believe in my ancestors who I called upon to pass this on.  But there are a few people I didn't expect would need to hear this message.  So here goes.

My loved ones gathered on this day,

The message I have to speak may very well be one of sorrow for you, but it is one that must be said. I credit being able to say what I need to say, to The Three Mother's with whom I have gained a close bond over the past number of months; those who have gone before us; my spirit guides; and my own spirit. May Mother's Earth, Sky, and Water bless me with the power to say what I need to, and the ability to open your hearts. May the ancestral spirits provide me the strength and support I need.

The truth is, I have long known who I am. However, I have lived like the Raven whose wings have been clipped. A wolf without a pack. Occasionally, I have let the Owl and the Salmon guide me into attempting to fly again, to find my pack, find that place of stability. Because of my nature though, I desired love, and the only way I knew how to do that was by pleasing others, putting my own self last. So still like the wingless Raven I should not fly. I lost the power to heal my own self. I had become the very thing many associate with the Raven. Dead. But the Raven is a healer, a symbol of transition, clairvoyance, movement between realms.

My spirit has long been that of a lone red wolf. The Wolf is the spirit of loyalty, strength, companionship, protection, even a peace bringer. A lone wolf cannot fully carry these traits, as he has lost faith in himself, the world around him, and trust. He lost what is dear to him. He has lost himself. Eventually he may lose his will to survive.

Until 2 years ago, almost to the day, this was my life every single day, that of the lone wolf and wingless Raven. Over time, the Owl and Salmon helped me see that I still had fight left in me, knowledge only a few understood. So finally I decided to make my way back to my pack, back to the skies. I came out as queer and nonbinary. Yet even still, I haven't found my way back; my wings are still clipped, my pack so close yet so far.

The very people in the this world still--the ones I care about-- refuse to see the real me; they deem me a sinner and going to hell; they claim that I will only cause the destruction of the three people I care most about simply for who I am. They made the choice to bring us down, rather than lift us up. They failed to see the inherent beauty that comes from our differences. Because of this, it has made it nearly impossible to see myself making it impossible to different milestones in my life. Before coming out, I couldn't even see myself making it to thirty. Sometimes, I wonder if I will even make it to thirty-five.

Shortly after coming out, I was hospitalized, I feared my own self. What most of you don't know is why. Someone I cared about said some terrible things to me. Cut me off from the best coping method I had because it made her feel guilty. I trusted her. She was my friend, my ally, or so I thought. It destroyed me to the point that Brent--who usually is the one trying to calm my cynicism and distrust of people-- said he was starting to hate her. What normally should have been a couple days stay in the behavioral unit turned into two weeks. I am on more headcase meds than I can count thanks to a few little words. My PTSD has since then thoroughly ruined any semblance of peace I can get. As an anxiety disorder, it has the awful effect of making me remember all the bad while my logical side of my brain adds to the attacks saying, 'You know you're overreacting.'

Now some of you may say it's because I turned my back on the faith I grew up with. If I just turned to God, lived Life as someone I am not, none of that would have happened. You'd be wrong though. Do you want to know how old I was when I first had my thought of 'What if I didn't exist?' I'd tell you, but it's before what I can allow myself to remember. Joining the church didn't fix it either. Do you know that I thought that same question many times when I was younger than the triplets? How much I hated myself in middle and high school? The list goes on. My point is, a single word, a single action can destroy. But a single word, a single action can also save.

So on this day when we are to give thanks for all we have, I ask you for one small gift. Don't keep the toxicity going. I don't care what your religion says, family should come first. Respect and love for others. Unconditional love. It shouldn't matter who we are. We all deserve love. It doesn't matter if you believe a person to be in the wrong, you stick up for their right to exist as they see themselves. 

So for the last time, I ask you to honor me and my family, and respect us. I am Ren. I use he/him pronouns. I am not your daughter, not your sister, not your aunt. I am simply Ren. Brent is my husband, I am his spouse. Jaden and Sienna are our two beautiful children, raised in humble circumstances by loving parents who are teaching them that who they are is amazing and wonderful, no matter what others say. We have a great love for you, but remember, a single word, a single action, can make all the difference in the world.

Cariad a Goleuni

Tri Mamau, croeso
Cariad a Goleuni

TDoR Again

To explain my profile picture:
This is the card in my Tarot deck depicting Strength.
I am going to simply read the description of the card as the author wrote it

STATEMENT: I am that which brings you strength
KEYWORDS: compassion, strength, courage
_____________________________
Force alone cannot bring about change conducive to deep transformation. Look to the dragon at my feet; it is power--sheer unadulterated power-- but that power undirected and without mercy can be destructive. Therefore, with my own inner strength I bridge the chasm between worlds--from force and power to mercy and forgiveness. I have found my expression, and I know myself well enough to involve my inner strength. I may be the Fool, but I am not foolish; my dragon is tamed. I think first before I spew flames that may burn but not transform. I am the epitome of inner strength and the beauty of grace imbued with force and mercy. Find me within you.
As above, so below. I stand between the world of action and deep truth. The rays of Awen burn brightly above me; I have the courage to glean them from Ceridwen's cauldron and bring forth their beauty. 'Know thyself'--words of the temple sing from my countenance. Do not lash out,for it belies your seat of courage, but know yourself deeply to act out of mercy. True leaders transform by means of their wisdom.
~Kristoffer Hughes, Branches of the Celtic Tarot.

I chose this card for my TDOR profile picture, because we lost many who for the above description, and we will lose more. And those we don't lose still fit this decree.
But there is more. This card calls everyone to action. It's not just about strength, but wisdom with it. We all need to travel the path of the Fool (in Tarot it represents us as we go through life) but there comes a time where we need to be the bridge across the chasm, to stand tall, speak for those who can't. We need to be the bridge between opposing forces, to allow all to come to know themselves. We need to be the bridge that allows all to cross into a world that provides beauty and pride in being ourselves.

Mam Ddaear
You are the ground upon which we walk. You are the world around us. You give us life. Some have unjustly gone before. But you are knowledge and wisdom. Bless those who still remain with us with the strength to carry on. Bless those who have gone before, with the knowledge that their lives were not spent in vain. Bless them that they may know their fight is our fight, and bless us that that we may keep fighting until our dying breath.
Mam Awyr
Carry out spirits, those still here in this world, and those who have passed, bring them to place of peace. Bless them that they may feel free as the wind that blows. Bless them that the light of the Awen will always be with them
Mam Dŵr
Through you, we must swim as the salmon does. It almost always feels like we swim upstream. But you are there to remind us, that no course is certain. We can change. We are fluid and malleable. This day in particular we ask you to bless those who stand firm in their ways, unyeilding, unseeing, that you may be able to mold them into the fluid and malleable creatures we are meant to be. Bless them that perhaps maybe they take a turn swimming as the salmon if needs must. But most importantly, on this day, bless all of us, to continue to grow, be malleable.
Tri mamau. Without whom, we could not exist, learn life lesson. Croeso.
Cariad a Goleuni
~Ren

(Taken from my FB)

Trans Day of Remembrance

Bore da.
Dwi'n hoffi'r mis Tachwedd. Dwi'n hoffi gwylio'r dail ym cwympo yn yr hefyd. Dwi'n mwynhau Nos Calan Gaeaf. Dwi'n mwynhau Thanksgiving.
(Good Morning.
I like the month of November. I like watching the falling leaves in Autumn. I enjoy Samhain. I enjoy Thanksgiving.)

But there is a day in November that tends to, like Veterans Day, get overshadowed, even forgotten about, except by those who can relate. Tomorrow, 20 mis Tachwedd, is Trans Day of Remembrance. This is a day to honor and remember those who lost their lives, simply for their identity. A day for those still living to realize how blessed we are to be here yet another day, even if it is hard to go on. Even if we wish we could be the gender assigned to us at birth.

For me, this day of Remembrance always comes six days before I publicly came out, entering a new world, where I added a few more parts of me to fight for. The highest incidence of people losing their lives simply for their gender identity? People like me. People of color.  Often female/femme/nonbinary identifying are at the top of the list.

Sometimes it's flat out murder. Sometimes it is suicide. But on this day it's also important to note that it goes even deeper. Words and actions kill. They mess with heads, hearts, spirits, but even more, they often keep those of us who aren't cisgender heterosexual *insert predominant faith based on locale and also the considered dominant gender. In the US that tends to be a Protestant white male* in hiding. That is equivalent to the death of a spirit, soul, core being, what have you.

This is my plea to everyone. Respect each other, and their right to live, especially as themselves. It doesn't matter what you believe. I don't give a bloody damn if you think people are wrong or sinful for living their truths. Realize, a single word, a single action, can destroy.

I don't think I have described my own experiences, but I feel not even 2 inches small, I feel like the size of a Lego person. And about the same amount of freedom to move on my own. But the truth is, I am like an oak tree. Strong, vibrant, resilient, planting seed where they fall creating new thoughts ideas expressions and etc. All those will become oaks of their own. Leaves change colors, fall, to prepare for winter and then grow back again in the spring. Life, transition, death, rebirth.

I am ruled by my emotions, even though logic tries to tell me 'buck up, you're getting in your head.' So please do all of us the favor of treating us like the people we are, having the decency to use our names and pronouns. No excuses. Or you may find one day it was you who contributed to the death toll rising. And that is not a burden you want to carry.

Mam Ddaear,
Bless those who have gone before us. Protect and guide them. Bless those who wish harm on others, that they too may be guided by the Awen, and see truth.
Mam Awyr,
Carry our spirits, that they may fly free. Bless those that would bring us drown, that they may realize our majestic beauty which you have given us. Carry those who have passed through the veil, that they might find the peace they have long sought
Mam Dŵr
You hold the power to change hearts, you represent the fluidity of life. May you bless the world to see the goodness. May you guide others to see how precious and fluid life is.
Mamau, croeso.

On Miracles and Random Rambles

We all tread different spiritual paths, journeys. No matter which Deities, or lack thereof you believe in, there are always events in our lives, that make us stop and wonder.  I had such an experience this morning, I won't elaborate much, as it still seems so surreal.
As a wise couple of friends said last night, we all go through hard times, trials, etc. And it is up to us to choose our path.
As I personally say, quite often, 'There are two paths you can take. The one that is expected of you, the one that you have to hide yourself. Or you can take the less traveled road. The one that allows you to grow. The one that allows you to follow your own beliefs. The one that allows you to be you.' I also say, 'You can choose to laugh or cry. I choose to laugh. It's more fun.'
No matter the road you take, the attitude you choose, miracles happen. But the attitude and path you choose does tend to affect how you see the miracle.
Now I am not talking Miracles like the Christian 'Christ feeding the thousands' or the Jewish Passover, or the miracles that are part of many faiths.
I say miracle, but other words could be gifts, blessings, answers to prayers, surprises, and so much more.

While I may not speak much on today's surreal event, I will share a few blessings from over the past few months.  My spiritual journey has distanced me from the church of my childhood, as it is hard to be an individual and accepted in it. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am a queer ass nonbinary freak (said with love).
This has led me to focus on my heritage, and the core beliefs I have.  According to Ancestry DNA i am 57% a Celt. Doing genealogy, it's a lot of Welsh. What's the other 43%? African. So on the African front, its been a lot of tracking down lost ancestry, which has been absolutely fascinating. I have ancestors that fought in the black regiments in the US Civil War, and in WWII. Just as an example. My own biological father has quite the rich story himself. He left behind quite a legacy when he died in 2010. A number of children, grandchildren, siblings, cousins and so on. On the Celtic side though, is where I have found my spiritual path.

I am far from versed in Celtic paganism, part of that being that druids were of the sort that focused on oral traditions, part of that being just the influence of Christianity in Celtic lands. A lot Celtic--like many other Pagan paths--history and traditions and beliefs and structures have been lost. However, as I dig, through learning Welsh, connecting with my spiritual side, and making friends who share similar beliefs and struggles, I have forged my own path. This and the people who have helped me explore and expand my horizons, is a blessing in and of itself.

The people around me are forging spiritual paths of their own. But there has been a major blessing in that slowly, the people closest to me are growing interested in the path I am taking. For example, we recently celebrated Nos Calan Gaeaf (Samhain). This is where halloween originates from. It is when the veil is at it's thinnest, and we honor our ancestral heritage and invite them to spend the evening with us.  Without the help of my mother-in-law, we could not have celebrated Samhain as we did. She prepared the food for us, which included stwmp ym rhaw, a root vegetable mash, crempogau llysiau, vegetable pancakes, and tatws, (potatoes/fries--a surprise creation of her own, knowing how picky my son is). Each of these were to have 9 ingredients, as 9 is the number that represents transition, the end of a cycle. She was also amazing in that she was able to print off pictures for our ancestral altar. Here, let me show you.

Yeah, my mother-in-law is awesome.

Another blessing is that my husband is also, while not on the same spiritual path, kind and supportive in making my own journey.  And well the kids, they love learning about nature. We've made tree forts, painted with natural ingredients, and so much more.

So yeah, we are truly blessed. May you be blessed too.

Prynhawn da a hwyl.

Different Types of Education

Cue rant mode:
I may have only a high school diploma to my name, but that does not mean I don't know a thing or two. You may have a degree or whatever, but that does not make you better than I am or that you know more than me.  Yes education is important. But there is more than one way to get an education.  I'm smarter than what a sheet of paper says. For all you  people with degrees know, I could be smarter than you.
So when you pick a fight with someone, do not lord your education over someone without. Don't cry out that people seem to think your degree doesn't matter. Cause you know what? The only thing you are doing is putting down people who are smart too but got their smarts from being around the block a few times.
I'm tired of feeling like I am dumb because I have no degree. I know I am smart. I may not have a bunch of letters after my name, but my smarts come from experience, passions, personality, and so much more. So great you got a piece of paper that says you read the books, did the math, wrote a thesis, etc. But unless you are willing to listen and connect with others who have experience with life in that aspect, it means nothing.
Don't make people less than because you have a piece of paper that says you did the work. Others have LIVED what you studied.